My Husband’s Mistress is Trying to Contact Me – Should I Talk to Her?

My Husband’s Mistress is Trying to Contact Me – Should I Talk to Her?

I often dialog with women who have recently found out that their husbands have cheated.  I notice that very often, the wife is more concerned about the other woman or the husband’s mistress than she is about her husband or her marriage.  It’s perfectly natural to wonder about this woman and want to know more about her.  After all, she’s the person who had a huge part in turning your world upside down and you want to see for yourself just who you are contending with.

So, many women will email me when the other woman tries to initiate contact with them and wonder what they should do. Common questions are: “should I meet with her face to face or on the phone?;” “should I tell my husband that I’m meeting with her?;”  or “should I just ignore this woman? Do I really want to let her into my life?”  I’ll answer these questions in the following article.

Defining Why You Want To Confront The Mistress: Before I offer my advice, I’d like for you to take a minute and think about what you hope to accomplish by meeting the other woman.  I’ll tell you what are some common answers to this question to get you started:

  • You want to size her up.  You want to know if she’s younger than you, sexier than you, or prettier than you. In short, is she viable competition?;
  • you want to grill her about the how the affair happened and what is happening now and compare that with your husband’s version of the events;
  • you want the threaten her and tell her that she had better leave your family alone;
  • you want to appeal to her sense of decency and tell her that her actions are hurtful and ask her to immediately stop;
  • you want to tell her she can have your husband and that the two of them deserve each other; or
  • you want to tell her that you are going to save your marriage and you want her to make her grand exit so that she’s not in your way of this.

Why You Often Won’t Meet These Goals When You Meet With The Woman Your Husband Is Cheating With: Once you defined what you want out of this meeting, I want for you to consider, honestly, if you really think that you will be able to accomplish this by meeting with her.  Because, I can tell you that OVERWHELMINGLY my readers tell me that the meeting did not go nearly as well as they planned or didn’t even begin to give them what they were hoping for. 

Honestly, in order for the meeting to go well, this woman needs to be rational, honest, receptive, and forthcoming.  Has her past behavior indicated that she is any of these things? Absolutely not.  Her past behavior has shown her to be a liar, a betrayer, a manipulator, and an opportunist.  So, it’s foolish to think that you’re going to get any help from or reliable information from her.  In truth, she’s asked for this meeting or she’s trying to contact you because she WANTS SOMETHING FROM YOU – something that is going to help her, not you.

Why The Mistress Is Probably Contacting You: Often, the mistress will contact the wife as part of a strategy.  She wants to feel you out and see who she is competing with.  She wants to elicit words that she can use against you with your husband.  She wants to paint herself as the innocent party in all of this (he came on to her.)  And, she wants to make sure you know that she holds the cards, that she can continue to string your husband along and control your life if that’s what she wants to do.

Now, sometimes the “other woman” will play this differently. She’ll initially come off as apologetic and swear that this is the first time she’s done this, that she didn’t mean for this to happen, and that she’s deeply ashamed. She’ll apologize as a way to alleviate her guilt. This may even give you some closure or feeling of relief.  But, I have to tell you, that many mistresses who take this tactic often continue to carry on with the husband. They will show remorse and tell you one thing, only to do another.

There real goal is to size you up, hear your version of the story, and then go back and confront their lover (your husband) hoping that he will assure HER that she is the one that he really wants. It’s all part of a game that she is playing to her benefit.

What To Get Across If You Must Meet With Her: Despite all of these facts, many women will tell me: “I know that you are right.  You really are, but I must see her.  I just can’t stand not knowing what she looks like or who she is.”  I understand this. I used to follow around my husband’s mistress, but ultimately, I never made contact because I realized it would do more harm than good.

However, if you must talk with her, I would absolutely recommend keeping it short and sweet.  Define those things that you really want to get across, calmly say them, and walk away.  Don’t allow her to engage you or pump you for information.  Don’t allow her to fling hurtful information at you that may well not be true.  Don’t allow her to pull you down into her muck.

The Best Revenge On Her: In truth, the thing that is going to get this woman more than anything is IGNORING HER and taking your husband back (if you want him.)  Because really, what she wants more than anything is to insert herself into you and your husband’s life. She wants to hurt you, weaken you, and force your hand so that she appears more attractive by comparison.

Honestly, she has no place in your life, so don’t let her in.  The best thing that you can do is to get her out your life as soon as possible and to shut the door firmly and permanently.

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